i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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