she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
