Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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