ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
