My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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