I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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