Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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