I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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