I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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