His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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