Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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