If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The power of my boobs compel you
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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