You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
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