i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
