Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
