So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
