I skipped work to stalk him.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
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just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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