Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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