Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
