New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
