My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
