maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
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well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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