I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize