True but thats because hes a fetus.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Randomize
