Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
