in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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