its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
