I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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