I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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