I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
