who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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