you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
