I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
