Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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