Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
