: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
