All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
