i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
