there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Randomize
