It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
