Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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