Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
