proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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