Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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