I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
