My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
