the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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