PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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