You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
