he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
