Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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