im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
There's always time for handjobs
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
